The fastest way to become more social as a man is to stop waiting to feel confident and start showing up: join something that meets every week, talk to the people there, and follow up with the ones you click with. Men usually bond by doing things side by side, not by sitting face to face making small talk. So the goal isn’t to become a smooth talker overnight. It’s to build a few habits that put you around the same people again and again.
I’m Robert Kubaiko, a men’s confidence and life coach with Command Your Confidence. For years, low confidence held me back from dating, chasing my goals, and truly living life. Today I run my own Meetup group and talk to strangers in the checkout line for fun, but I had to build those skills one small step at a time. In this guide, I’ll show you why being social feels harder for men, the eight steps that worked for me, and how to tell when it’s more than shyness.
Key takeaways
- Men tend to make friends by doing things together. A weekly activity beats a one-time networking event.
- Confidence comes after action, not before. Your first conversations won’t be great, and that’s fine.
- Talk to everyone, not just people you want to impress. Small, low-stakes chats build the habit.
- People like you more than you think after a conversation. Research calls this the “liking gap.”
- Meeting people isn’t the hard part. Following up is. Friendships take time together, so invite, host, and repeat.
- If fear of people stops you from living normally, talk to a licensed mental health professional.
Why is it harder for men to be social?
It’s harder for men because most of us made friends through school, sports, or work, and those built-in groups disappear as we get older. On top of that, many men were taught to keep their feelings to themselves, so asking another guy to hang out can feel awkward or needy.
Here’s what usually gets in the way:
- Men connect by doing, not just talking. Konstantin Lukin, Ph.D., writes that “men tend to connect more by doing things together rather than just talking” (Psychology Today, May 2018). Take away the shared activity and the friendship often fades.
- Life takes over. Work, relationships, and family slowly push friends down the list.
- Fewer close friends overall. In a 2021 survey of 2,019 US adults, 12% said they had no close friends, up from 3% in 1990. Only 21% of men said a friend had given them emotional support in the past week (Survey Center on American Life, June 2021).
- You don’t know what to say. I’ve been there myself. Your mind conjures up all the “right” things to say so you don’t look stupid, and you end up saying nothing.
- The wrong online advice. A couple of years ago, I was listening to a lot of red-pill content, and it put a lot of toxic thoughts in my head about women, people, and life. I’m glad I moved away from it. Be careful what you feed your mind, because it shapes how you show up around people.
- Waiting to feel ready. Many guys think they need to be confident first. In my experience, it works the other way around.
This matters for more than your weekend plans. The US Surgeon General’s 2023 advisory on loneliness links social disconnection to higher risks of heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and anxiety (HHS, May 2023). If any of this sounds like you, nothing is wrong with you. Being social is a skill, and skills get better with practice.
How to become more social as a man: 8 steps
These eight steps take you from “I don’t really have a social life” to having people you can call. Do them in order, and give each one a few weeks.
| Step | What to do | Try this this week |
| 1 | Join something that meets every week | Join one Meetup group, class, or league |
| 2 | Take action before you feel ready | Start one conversation you’d normally avoid |
| 3 | Be social with everyone | Say hello to 3 strangers a day |
| 4 | Use small talk as a bridge | Comment on what’s happening around you |
| 5 | Listen more than you talk | Base your next question on their last answer |
| 6 | Follow up and make the plan | Text one person and suggest a specific time |
| 7 | Be yourself, not a fake-confident version | Share one honest opinion |
| 8 | Build a life people want to join | Plan one thing you’d enjoy and invite someone |
1. Join something that meets every week
Pick one activity that brings the same people together on a regular schedule. A pickup basketball game, a gym class, a hiking group, a volunteer crew, or a hobby club all work. Seeing the same faces every week makes friendship happen almost by accident, because you don’t have to work up the nerve to start over each time.
The easiest place to start is Meetup. I run my own Meetup group, and there are groups for almost everything: bars, books, hiking, board games, finance. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, because most people go to Meetup events for one reason: they want to meet new people too. Eventbrite is another good option for local events, from holiday parties to costume bar crawls.
One more activity I recommend is an improv class. I took one, and it taught me how to think and communicate on the fly. In improv, you have to be in the moment. That trained me to stay present in real conversations instead of worrying about what I was going to say next. Research backs this up: in a University of Michigan study of nearly 270 middle and high school students, a 10-week improv program was linked to lower social anxiety (University of Michigan News, December 2018).
2. Take action before you feel ready
You don’t become social by thinking about it. You become social by doing it, badly at first.
The first time you go out and talk to someone, it may not be the best interaction. You may not do a good job. But you did it. You overcame your fear, and that action is what builds confidence. When you don’t act, you stay stuck, and you get bored, anxious, and frustrated. I explain this in a short video on why action builds confidence.
A lot of guys hold back because they don’t have the experience, so they feel like they have to get everything perfect. You won’t. Nobody does. And here’s some good news: after a conversation, people tend to like you more than you think they do. Psychologists call this the “liking gap,” and the shyer the person, the bigger the gap (The British Psychological Society, September 2018).
Keep it consistent, too. If you’re not social on a regular basis, you get a little rusty and might not know what to say right away. But it’s like muscle memory. Once you’ve done it, it comes back fast after a short warm-up.
3. Be social with everyone
Don’t save your effort for people you want to impress. Start small: as you go about your day, say hello to people you pass. “Hey, good evening.” That’s it. Then build up to a quick chat with the cashier at the grocery store or the person in line next to you. Ask how their day is going, or if they have anything fun planned.
I know it sounds silly, but it works. I talk to people in line so often that I’ve had cashiers say, “I thought those people were with you.” I just tell them, “No, I’m just a very social person.” The more you start conversations, the more comfortable you get starting them. You’re building a habit, and once it’s a habit, being social starts to feel natural instead of forced.
Research supports this. In experiments with Chicago commuters, people who talked to a stranger had a more pleasant ride than people who sat alone, even though most expected the opposite (Chicago Booth Review). It also takes the pressure off when you meet someone you really want to connect with, whether that’s a new friend or a woman you’d like to approach with confidence.
4. Use small talk as a bridge, not the destination
Small talk gets a bad name, but it’s just the door. The easiest opener is an observation about what’s going on around you: the music, the food, the crowd, the event itself. At a loud concert, something as simple as “This crowd is wild tonight” is enough to start an interaction.
If you’re stuck, keep it simple: “Hey, my name’s Robert. What’s yours? What do you do?” Don’t overthink what you have to say. Then cross the bridge with a follow-up question that goes one step deeper, like “How did you get into that?” And don’t be afraid to joke around a little. Light humor tells people you’re relaxed and easy to be around.
5. Listen more than you talk
Most people are waiting for their turn to speak. If you actually listen, you’ll stand out. Look at the person, put your phone away, and pay attention to what they say. When I listen closely, I can base my next question on their answer instead of changing the topic all the time. That’s how a conversation goes deeper.
Follow-up questions also make people like you. Harvard researchers found that people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were liked more by their conversation partners (Association for Psychological Science). Just don’t turn it into an interview. Share something about yourself too, so it feels like a conversation, not an interrogation.
6. Follow up and make the plan
This is the step most guys skip, and it’s why they have lots of acquaintances and few friends. Meeting someone once is a start. A friendship forms when you spend time together again and again. A University of Kansas study found it takes roughly 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends (KU News, March 2018).
So be the one who makes the plan. Get the person’s number, then text within a few days with something specific: “A few of us are watching the fight Saturday at 7. Want to come?” Specific invites are easy to say yes to. “We should hang out sometime” rarely happens.
Even better, host. You don’t need a big house or a big budget. A cookout, a game night, or a group trip to try a new place puts you at the center of a social circle instead of waiting to be invited into one. That’s exactly why I started my own group. I organize social events, invite people to join, and the same faces start showing up again and again.
7. Be yourself, not a fake-confident version
You don’t need to become the loudest guy in the room. A lot of us get so caught up in social media hype that we think we have to be some fake person, have lots of money, or act a certain way. People can see through a fake persona.
Real confidence is being comfortable with who you are: your opinions, your interests, even your awkward moments. Share what you actually think. Admit when you don’t know something. The friends you make this way will like the real you, which means you can relax around them. If you want to dig into what that looks like, read my guide on how to be a man who is confident.
8. Build a life people want to be part of
My advice is to create the best life for yourself. If you want to start a business, work on that. If you want a cool social circle, build one. If you want to learn to ride a motorcycle, do that.
I’ve done this myself. I started my own Meetup groups, I’ve traveled, and I’ve tried a lot of things I’d never tried before. I like checking out new and fun places with my friends, and I bring the people I meet along. When you’re out building a life you enjoy, you meet people who are on the same path. You also have something real to talk about and something real to invite people to.
Here’s a quick video where I share my top tips for getting more social, even if you’re shy:
How to Be More Social (Even If You’re Shy)
What is the 5-3-1 rule for socializing?
The 5-3-1 rule is a simple weekly target for your social life: talk with 5 different people each week, keep up 3 close relationships, and spend about 1 hour a day connecting with others. Social scientist Kasley Killam, author of The Art and Science of Connection, describes it as a rule of thumb, not a strict test (Yahoo Life, March 2025).
Here’s how it can look for a man rebuilding his social life:
| Target | What it can look like |
| 5 different people a week | Your Meetup group, a coworker at lunch, a neighbor, an old friend you text, a stranger at the gym |
| 3 close relationships | A brother or parent, a longtime friend, a partner, or someone you’re getting closer to |
| 1 hour a day | A call on your drive home, dinner with someone, or your weekly activity spread across the week |
Don’t stress if you’re far from it right now. If you’re at zero, getting to one or two is already a big win.
What are signs of poor social skills?
Common signs that your social skills need work include:
- Conversations often die after a minute or two.
- You talk mostly about yourself, or you barely talk at all.
- You ask question after question without sharing anything, so it feels like an interview.
- You replay conversations afterward and pick apart what you said.
- You have acquaintances but never turn them into plans.
- You turn down invitations because you’d rather avoid the awkwardness.
- You avoid eye contact or check your phone when you’re nervous.
Seeing yourself in this list doesn’t mean you’re bad with people. It means you haven’t practiced enough yet. Every one of these improves with the steps above.
How to be more social if you’re an introvert or shy
Being an introvert or shy doesn’t stop you from being social. You just need to start smaller and be smart about where you spend your energy.
- Take baby steps. Start with saying hello, then a short chat, then a longer conversation. Push a little further each week.
- Pick activities with a built-in focus, like a class, a sport, or a Meetup group. The activity carries the conversation for you.
- Choose depth over volume. One good conversation beats ten shallow ones.
- Plan your recharge time. Leaving after an hour is fine. Going and leaving early beats not going.
When it’s more than shyness: social anxiety
Shyness is feeling a bit nervous around new people. Social anxiety is when that fear is so strong it gets in the way of daily life. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, signs can include blushing, sweating, or trembling, a racing heart, intense fear of being judged, avoiding places with people, and replaying your performance afterward to find flaws.
If that describes you, please talk to a doctor or a licensed mental health professional. I’m a confidence coach, not a therapist. Coaching can work alongside therapy to help you build habits and take action, but it doesn’t replace treatment.
How to Become More Social as a Man: FAQs
How can I be more social as a man if I have no friends?
Start with one weekly activity where the same people show up, like a Meetup group, class, or league. Talk to a few people each week, then invite one of them to do something specific. Reconnecting with an old friend or coworker is another quick win.
Why am I struggling to socialize?
Most adults struggle because their built-in social groups from school or work are gone, and they haven’t replaced them with new ones. Fear of rejection and a lack of practice make it worse. If fear stops you from doing everyday things, it may be social anxiety, and a professional can help.
How do I become a more social person fast?
Talk to more people every day, even briefly, and say yes to invitations. The habit builds quickly. Real friendships take longer: research suggests it takes about 50 hours together to become casual friends and more than 200 hours to become close friends.
Can a shy man become social?
Yes. Shyness can ease a lot with practice. Start with low-pressure steps, like saying hello to people you pass or chatting with a cashier, and build up from there. Shy people also tend to underestimate how much others like them after a conversation.
Should I be more social?
If you feel lonely, bored, or stuck, probably yes. The US Surgeon General links loneliness to higher risks of heart disease, depression, and anxiety. You don’t need a huge circle. A few people you trust and see regularly are plenty.
Are men or women more social?
Neither is simply “more social.” Men and women often connect in different ways. Men tend to bond through shared activities, so if you don’t have those activities in your life, socializing can feel harder.
Does social anxiety get better with age?
It doesn’t reliably go away on its own. The good news is that social anxiety is treatable. If anxiety is limiting your life, talk to a doctor or a licensed mental health professional. Building social habits step by step can help alongside treatment.
Start building your social life this week.
You don’t need a new personality to become more social. You need one weekly activity, a habit of talking to people, and the guts to make the plan. Pick one step from this guide and do it this week.
If you want someone in your corner while you do it, that’s what I do. In my one-on-one confidence coaching, we work on the mindset and the action steps that make social situations feel easier, with weekly assignments and accountability between sessions. If dating is part of the goal, check out my men’s dating coaching too.
Book your free 20-minute session and let’s map out your next step.